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Compliments in raising children
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Compliments in raising children

knowledge world

January 03 , 4:53:22

Child rearing
Some parents think that when they direct some phrases of praise to their children, they will boost their self-confidence.

but they are; Unintentionally directing them towards psychological conflict.

This is what you should refrain from saying so you don't fall into the trap of negative praise.

you are very smart

The generation of our grandparents and parents was stricter and more assertive than us, so they did not direct expressions of praise and praise to their children, which made parents in our days compensate for that with their children, according to what the child development experts said. The goal of praising a child is to encourage positive behaviour.

But simply intelligence is not a behavior, and children do not receive it and do not see it as something they can control. Therefore, praising them in this regard is not a useful thing, because children and even adults think that being smart is innate and fixed, and a professor of psychology at the University of Kentucky says that people think that they are born with a specific amount. If they find studying easy, they are smart, but if they find it difficult, they are not.” That is why when they suffer from difficulty or failure, they will find the problems more frustrating and they cannot overcome them. Studies have shown that the praise of parents for their diligence instead of their genetic qualities works to develop their spirit of perseverance in a way better. Saying phrases such as “I am proud that you studied so hard for the math exam” or “I am proud of your diligence and diligence in studying for the spelling exam.” .

I am proud that you got a superior mark

Parents are proud of their children's high marks, but improvement is what should be praised, not the final mark, as studies have shown that people are happier when they have a developed mind and thinking rather than being fixed. As Professor Laura Markham of Stanford University showed: Children with a mindset Their grades and their study skills improved because they believed that they would get better grades if they worked hard. She said, “We want to encourage children in a way that enables them to develop their mental development, which 

It will help them to be more resilient and also able to work harder to achieve their goals in life. The best way to praise them is to show them how their efforts helped them succeed. Encouraging and praising them for the work they do, such as saying to them, “You began to master reading the text after you trained it.” Receiving such praise gives them a real feeling that they are making great strides to become more efficient.

The artwork you make is beautiful 

It is possible that you see their artwork as beautiful, but by praising them in this way you will encourage them to search for acceptance, outside themselves, and it also teaches the child that everyone should appreciate his work, which will weaken his self-confidence, and a study showed that children who have low self-confidence and those who Their parents overpraised their drawings. They often chose to draw easy drawings over challenging ones because it was the safer option.

To avoid unintentionally discouraging children, commend their dedication to their project, talk about the details in the drawing (“I see you mixed colors to show the waves in the ocean”) and then ask them what they think of their artwork. It's not your approval that matters, it's theirs.

You are a good boy or girl

Praising a child for being good instills their inherent values ​​rather than their actions, so they consider themselves either good or bad. But what's wrong with being good? Every child knows that he is not a good child all the time and they need to show otherwise by doing some naughty behaviour.

you are so Beautiful

We always pay attention to girls' clothes, hair, and looks more than boys, and that seems like a natural compliment, but it's evidence of our sexism. But the problem lies in the message that girls receive from all sides. Girls grow up in a culture where values ​​are linked to their appearance. It has to be attractive in order to have value.

you are the best

Even if they really are the best at something you shouldn't say, when told they will do anything to keep their status. And when you exaggerate in giving the child absolute praise, you will put them under great pressure so that he will feel that he must always be the best in what he does, which is a high standard that he cannot bear and can create a feeling of helplessness and failure if the child thinks that he is unable to do it, and it has the opposite result It teaches children to stop self-esteem and try something new, or to hold their own when it's hard for them to keep fooling you.

Usually, children have a keen sense and they discover that if you are not interested or proud of what they have achieved, they can easily tell when you are disappointed or dissatisfied, or when your praise is cold, insincere, or even worse, sarcastically.

The most important thing that children want from their parents is that their feelings are sincere towards them, and that they support and support them, and they also need their constructive criticism. For example, if a child sings out of tune at a party, you can tell him, “I am proud that you stood in front of everyone and remembered all the words.” A recent study conducted in South Korea that it is expected that children who received exaggerated praise or little praise that their academic achievement is weak and their depression is greater than children who receive praise that reflects reality. The aim is for praise to be purposeful and constructive and to show children what qualities and dispositions we value such as hard work and being helpful and kind. For this parents should not consider praise as a means of building self-confidence because it does not. Instead, praise should be a way to support each other. The qualities we want to foster in our children that will help them be successful adults.